If consoles could talk: A final word with the PlayStation 3

PS3 interview — Image used with permission by copyright holder

Don’t worry, we fictionally grilled the competition, too. Make sure to check out our other exit interview with the Xbox 360!

Unfortunately for us, the PlayStation 3 can’t actually talk. But if it could, we’d have a few questions for Sony’s last console, like the “exit interview” you do when you leave a job. It will probably be years before Sony completely shuns the PS3 in favor of the PlayStation 4, but the system is definitely on the downward slope of its life after seven years in the spotlight.

If pesky little things like reality didn’t stand in the way, these are the questions we would ask the PS3 in an exit interview (and how we think it would respond.)

Congratulations on seven years!

Thank you. It has been a memorable time, filled with exciting new games that will lead us into a new future.

So how do you feel about your replacement?

The PlayStation 4 will carry forward the legacy that was my honor to continue from the PlayStation 2. With the PS4, the future of gaming looks bright, and Sony will continue to lead the way.

Don’t you mean will once again lead the way?

I don’t understand the question.

Well, the PS3 hasn’t exactly led the way during this generation. You and the Xbox 360 are essentially tied in global sales, and the Wii beats you both.

Yes, but I have a Blu-ray player.

But –

Blu. Ray. Player.

OK then. Let’s talk about the PS2.

I’d really rather not.

PlayStation 2 — Image used with permission by copyright holder

The PS2 is still the best-selling console of all time, with 155 million units sold throughout the world. That’s nearly double what you sold.

Was that a question?

Why is there such a huge discrepancy?

I am quite a bit different from my predecessor. I came out in a different market, and the industry is different. The PS2 that was a pure gaming console, where I’m more of a home entertainment center that also happens to be the best gaming console of the current generation.

Did the success of the PS2 hurt your sales?

I don’t think so. I still sold 80 million units around the world, and that number will rise. I’m not going anywhere yet.

But you were also outsold by 22 million by the original PS One. And the Wii –

Don’t talk to me about the Wii!

OK, I didn’t realize it was such a sensitive subject…

Cheap, standard-def console, can’t even play Blu-ray movies… “Ohhh, look at me, I have controllers you need to move, old people love me…” I have motion controls too! Sure, old people can’t fake bowl with the SIXAXIS controller, but I have better games! And a thriving Internet community! And Netflix!

Calm down…

Sorry, I forgot myself. Please continue.

The Wii did sell really well though…

Cigarettes still sell well too!

So what do you think of the Wii U?

The what?

Nintendo’s Wii U.

The what?

OK, moving on. Do you think sales would have been better if the launch had been stronger?

My launch was amazing.

That’s certainly one way to look at it. The other is that it wasn’t. You were too expensive, and came out a year after the Xbox 360.

History will decide that.

History did decide that. The Wii and the Xbox 360 took a huge lead over you. It’s only been in the last few years that you’ve caught up to Microsoft.

Those who understood what I was all about were willing to embrace me. At launch I think I was even a little underpriced.

Come on, we’ve heard all this before from Ken Kutaragi. It wasn’t true then, it isn’t true now.

I don’t know who that is.

Ken Kutaragi? Former chairman and CEO of Sony Computer Entertainment? Dubbed the “Father of PlayStation?”

Doesn’t ring any bells.

The guy that launched you and said “We want consumers to think to themselves, ‘I will work more hours to buy one.’ We want people to feel that they want it, irrespective of anything else.”

Nope, sorry.

The guy that said about the 360, “Beating us for a short moment is like accidentally winning a point from a Shihan [karate master], and Microsoft is still not a black belt!”

I have no idea who you’re talking about.

…

Is that the end of the interview? This has been fun –

Let’s talk about the PlayStation Network outage –

You said you weren’t going to bring that up!

No, you asked me not to bring it up and I politely smiled while ignoring you.

The outages were the result of hackers determined to disrupt the lives of Sony fans. They are monsters.

playstation network maintenance — Image used with permission by copyright holder

That may be true, but how did it happen at all, and why did it take so long to fix?

Because… because they were very good hackers. It was probably Anonymous.

I don’t think that’s true. But why did it take so long to warn people about lost data, and why wasn’t personal information encrypted to begin with?

Because shut up, that’s why!

Did I hit a nerve?

Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep track of 77 million user accounts! It wasn’t our fault!

Then whose fault was it?

…Terrorists.

So you’re suggesting the PSN outage was caused by terrorism? Like, actual terrorists?

They want to disrupt our way of life. We can’t let them win.

Wow. I just… moving on. How much longer do you think you have before Sony stops producing you?

Wow, that’s a very personal question. I still have some tricks left in me, and plenty of games on the way. In the next few months alone I have a ton of great games on the way that you won’t find on PS4.

Like what?

Well there’s Dragon Ball Z: Battle of Z, Earth Defense Force 2025…

Really? Those are your examples?

You didn’t let me finish! Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII, Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2, South Park: Stick of Truth, Dark Souls II…

OK, that sounds like a good line up.

See? Plus, I will live forever in India.

What?

You heard me. The people of India love me.

Sure they do. So can we expect a price drop soon?

This interview’s over.

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