There was no stone left unturned in the comic melee, including cracks about Bieber’s sexuality, his pre-teen fanbase, his relationship with Selena Gomez, parents, and his past exploits. Those include everything from peeing in a bucket, to saying he thinks Anne Frank would have been a “Belieber,” to allegedly egging a neighbors house — to name a few. Even so, it could’ve been worse, as some of the best jokes were aimed at other panelists rather than Bieber himself.
There were eight celebrities on the panel to light the fires: rappers Snoop Dogg and Ludacris (the latter of whom collaborated with Bieber on his first smash hit “Baby,”); comedians Chris D’Elia (reportedly Bieber’s favorite), Natasha Leggero, Jeffrey Ross, and Hannibal Buress (best known for igniting the recent rape allegations against Bill Cosby); Shaquille O’Neil; Martha Stewart; and Saturday Night Live cast member Pete Davidson.
From digs at Snoop’s age, to the fact D’Elia was only there because he’s Justin’s favorite comedian, insinuations of Leggero’s alleged promiscuity, and a spotlight on Hart and Shaq’s sizes on both extreme sides of the spectrum (Stewart joked that she helped Shaq convert eight of the 13 rooms in his house to refrigerators), the jokes were flying freely all around.
Kevin Hart did a fantastic job as roastmaster, as well as recipient of many of the jokes, mainly relating to his diminutive size and rising career. “Kevin loves seeing himself on the big screen,” said Bieber in his response at the end of the night. “For him, that’s an iPad mini.” There was also a surprise roaster – Will Ferrell showed up midway through, in full Ron Burgundy mode, to discuss how this kid has moxie, spunk, “and probably a few other STDs.” There were also plenty of jokes about Bieber’s attempts to be “gangsta.”
The Roast was clearly an exercise meant to help repair Bieber’s image, as was evidenced right from the beginning. He descended from the ceiling with angel wings to the chorus of a church choir singing a song about “Beliebing.” Decked out in a classy blue suit (no saggy pants and missing shirt this time), he gave a heartfelt speech at the end of the broadcast, admitting to his awful behavior, and promising to be a better person and get back those qualities that he clearly lost after being thrown into the business at the tender age of 12.
All that said, it was a laugh-out-loud kind of event, with some hilarious jokes, many of which were pretty raunchy and X-rated. (Interestingly, though 9-11 was on the table, all tasteless jokes about the recent death of Fast & Furious star Paul Walker were indeed removed from the broadcast, reportedly at the request of his former co-star and friend Ludacris.)
If you couldn’t see the broadcast for yourself, below are a few of the choice jokes from the show:
- “Shaq’s dick is so big that he needs DropBox to send a dick pic.” – Natasha Leggero
- “Jeff, you look like the emoji you want to send someone when you have food poisoning.” – Justin Bieber
- “Kevin has a Napoleon complex. Kevin, Napoleon was the leader of France. Ludacris, France is in Europe. Justin, Europe’s a continent. Shaq, a continent is not a free breakfast.” – Natasha Leggero
- “Lately, a lot of people have been pointing their fingers at you. And those are just the lesbians showing the barber how they want their hair cut.” – Jeffrey Ross
- “I taught Snoop that the most important thing in business is diversification. Besides his music, he’s produced a porn movie. And, by the way, Natasha, you were great in that. I guess tonight’s the second time you’ve worked with five black guys.” – Martha Stewart (who also noted that her segment on making brownies with Snoop still remains the highest-rated one of her TV show.)
- “Kevin, you are everywhere. He is going to be on the next season of Game of Thrones. He’s going to play Peter Dinklage’s shadow.” – Natasha Legerro
- “Justin wants to be black so bad he’s actually seen Kevin Hart’s movies in theaters.” – Ludacris
- “Let me clear something up for all the young people in the building — Snoop Dogg is a rapper. He’s my aunt’s favorite rapper.” – Kevin Hart
In the end, though, Bieber got the last laugh. “What do you get when you give a teenager two hundred million dollars?” he asked. “A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours.”
Good luck on your transformation, Biebs. And give that publicist of yours a raise.
